Moving proved to be costly, physically,emotionally and fiscally. After several round of negotiation and bugging, $350 extra, I finally get most of my stuff delivered from the moving company within reasonable time. Now it's unpacking. The ceramic horse did not survive the long-distance shipping, broken into pieces, funny how it survived the whole trip from china to cleveland, and only broke off the tail, guess mom is definitely more careful a packer than i am. The DVD player, dvd and picture box is lost, damn the F#cking moving company, is it because that i refused to pay the last $75 "milking" overchange, so they deliberately kept that box? I was very sad and upset when I found out, some important photos, my precious nutcracker, are lost. All the futures are somewhat scratched here and there, but seem to be holding together all right, most of the glasswares surived, the little yellow dragon broke off part of the tail, and one side of the whisker

Moving, again, for god knows the what time this year, from my apartment to bradford house, to hawaii,to davis,to the guest house, then to the new apartment, finally, life is like the chinese checker, jumping along the way, briefly stopping at each port. Moving and getting married are suppose to be the two most stressful things in life. Everytime you move, you decompose your belongings, your life into numbered boxes, or plastic bags, and then resemble it, each time things get lost, things get deformed, things get distorted, each time your stir up so much shit, so much emotions, I got this item where with whom, I meant it for it to be what...it never ended up the way you planned, did it, your are further and further away from your intentions, aren't you, like the old chinese saying..the stuff remains the same, but the situation,the people are not...

   Got hit by some cold and holiday blues. With christmas music playing, everyone talking about vacations, seeing families, your spirit just get drained by minutes. Sometimes I think I should try to find some fake activities, you know, to kill the time, and anethesize the pain, then the stubborn part of me always wins, and refuses, refuses to cover the loneliness up, so in a way, I made this time of year harder for myself. Instead of celebrating, holidays are like memorial days, when I reminiscence about the tough time I've been through, how far I came, and then forecasting the even gloomier, more uncertain futures. , and yes you are damn right, it's quite depressing, and unlike any other days, when I can be depressed along with everyone else, during holiday season, only me, the anti-social, lonely foreigner get the special treatment. I don't bake chrimstams cookies, I don't decorate trees, I don't hand out gifts, neither do I play poker or majong, or cook dumblings. I sit there, brood over my loneliness, and get grumpier by minutes.  

   No, I'm lying, it's not all that bad, or bad at all. It's my dark dramatic writing styles that always exaggerate the bad part of it. I do have friends I can hang out with, a new city to explore, and experiments to do. But holidays are like magic mirrors that always magnify the softest and tenderest spot of my heart. Maybe it's just this year, so much has happened, and i had grown up so fast,it feels like I aged 10 years at the end of the year, feel like I'm ready to roll over and die. Maybe it's the good memory of mine that's causing the problem, I would often have memory to watching mickey mice on my parents 12 inch black white TV, studying hard in high school of my little home town,wondering on the street of beijing, shoveling snow in the driveway of cleveland, then wake up in my guest house in SF. Economists say that the living standard in china have improved by 100 years, several generations, in the past 20 years. Born at the beginning of that period, jumping from the small city of my poor province over a period of 10 year to the west coast of US, I feel like growing up 70 years. How do I relate to my friends nowadays that I used to bath once every two weeks in the winter in the community bath house, and that I go to the community restroom that has no flush, no water, and stinks like hell, at night, holding a flash light. I don't, I can't relate to them, and neither can they. I end up being this super wise yet innocent person who hate holidays.

   Merry Christmas! :)

      Haven't gotten on here for a while, what's preventing me, hard works, what else. Random thoughts pile up in my head, so it's time to let it out, release them to the world of random people and readership or not, time to clean up the limited storage space I had in the hard drive of my head. : ), went to a concert, a rock concert with friends last night. The killers, they are so so awesome, I like the sound, I liked their presentation, the stage design, how the lead singer commanded the stage, the audience..you truly feel like you are in the presence of true artist, such powerful voice. I was so intensely involved with my work, the planning of my work, I had a hard time to concentrate on the music before the killers' performance, my mind will just wonder off to random experiment planning, then the killers show up, such presence, such energy, i loved it, I actually stopped thinking about work..well..for a bit...Speaking of work, I realize that ultimately I'm working for myself, I just need to decide whether i really want the future I'm working for. Like my friend said, it's time to pick your spot in the society, how do you want to be known or introduced. I'm in a nerdy environment, best nerds on earth I believe, smart people, I like this community, but I'm not committed to it, I want to be in it, but I'm also so greedy that i also want to be something more, I want to know something more. I'm never good at prioritizing things, as for now, I still don't have to choose yet.

       Went to my boss' chritmas party tonight, it was fun, interesting. He and his life have a neat place, clean, posh, like an art gallery, but it feels liveless, cold to me, it's too neat, no big picture frames, fake art on the wall, no gigantic wedding pictures, misplacedkid's trophy...it doesn't feel like home. I believe they live a very sophiscated,pure life that's greater than a lot of people, yet somehow I long for the smell of deep fried chicken, the laughter or cry of kids, certain degree of clutterness, chaoticness, I want the richness, hence ordinarily of an ordinary life, I don't mind the smell of motor oil on my guy when he comes home...I want a big sqeeze for him...

       Yet, can I find a guy to build a messy nest with, am I ready to commit to this kind of life, do I really want it,would I know when i'm ready,  would I get it when I'm ready? Would my friends accept my choice, how about my parents? I know in my heart, that there are people that i like, there are people that I care about, there are people that i'm committed to keep in my life as hard as I can, but how close I'm not sure. I'm not sure whether i will ever be entirely sure.  For now, working hard is on the priority of the list.

      

I feel stressed, and so are my friends.  Stress builts up the concrete buildings of the modern world we live in, stress builds up the suffocating cart train we ride in, stress bulid up the greasy fast food that we stuff our stomach with.  Pressured to be rich, be successful, be recognized. Stress confronts us in every single breath we take, swearing to sqeeze every single drop of our energy, our spirit, to burn us up like woods in the stove that powers the giant metropolitan. What is left is the feeling that we are not good enough, that we are not strong enough, flames consume us so quickly that we didn't even have time to think, to feel the pain. Pressured to be a good person, a good friend, a good lover, a good parent, pressured to not make errors.... Sometimes you just want to go back to be the clueless brat, not responsible for anything. I feel like a spring sqeezed by the pressure, every 10 pounds of pressure, I move 10 cm, and age 1 year. :)

 

For some reason, get into this panicky, restless mode, which is not fun. Struggling in a pool like a drowning person is how I felt. All the big talk, all the composure, all the ease just left me like a breeze, then I became so jumpy, constantly need activities to keep my mind busy, people's companionship, reassurance, then the comfort I waited for never arrived. What is it that I'm looking for? Attension, distraction, fantasy, mirage things coming out of my imagination. I don't know. Is not fun to be fugitive of your life, you don't even know what you are running towards, or away from. , need to snap out of it and get a hold of myself.

Heart is tender, thinking of my friends, sharing their thoughts, wondering how they are doing. If I care, if I do care, would it make any of them better? Feel so useless sometimes, feel so powerless, all I can do is simply to take care of myself, and then to tell them I do care, so pointless. Pray my father, please bless your children.

When you do start feel like it's home? When do you feel like it's your city, your people, it's your home? When you do stop feeling like a vistor, and realize that it's your time, your life, your journey to the infamous death. Like a baby open his eyes, but see and understand for the first time, when did that happen? Do you know? Do you remember?

Heard from my girlfriend in cleveland. She met her dream man, a hot gentleman who shares her passion, her view, in a hotel lounge. She is thrilled,and scared, excited but also struggle. She told me this beautiful story of an old married couple. The woman was driving down the highway, then her car broke down. The guy passed by her broken car, thought about stopping,but didn't, and then, just as if fate has decided for them, or God has arranged for their destined meeting, his car somehow broke down too at that moment, later, they can't find anything wrong with his car at all.:),and that's how they met, that's how they've been married for the past 60 years.:)..Sweet sweet story, isn't it. It is sad for me to realize no matter how hard I try, I simply no longer believe in stories like that any more, I believe by sheer random chance, story like that should happen, I simply no longer believe that it will happen to me, it's like I believe that someone should win lottery if you keep on playing, yet I stopped putting any hope, energy or money into that basket. Am I so jaded? It's like I so awakingly watch my body, solidify, concrete covers the flesh so I won't ever get hurt again, but inside, deep inside, still beat a child's heart waiting for the prettiest fairytale, wildest dream, waiting for my knight or shrek show up on his stallion or dunkey, :).

Somehow, I resent it, resent for having to work hard. For everyone else who is working hard, who is competitive for making this game so hard, and because of this resentment, I'm not at peace. I try to fight it, to slack off as much as I can, but then I'll feel guilty, I try to work, then I feel guilty for being comformist, for not taking care of myself, not having outside activities. I'm stuck in the middle, can't make up my mind, I work hard then I play even harder, i'm afraid of going to sleep, for losing time, I'm afraid of slowing down, afraind of thinking too much. In the end, I'm living in a fast forward mode, I keep on adding stuff to my plate, before I can finish anything, I keep on inventing new stuff to work on, new people to talk to. In the end, I'm afraid, laying there half awake, thinking of what has happened, and what may or may not happen, thinking of here again, alone again, in the end, i'm alone, and i'm afraid. so I stay up all night, so I can go to sleep without thinking.

:), always like the line from "Shrek", right now, it's certainly working hard, working really really hard. I don't thin I've worked this hard or intensively for quite a while, haven't been this clueless for a while. Kept on gettting flash backs from when I was in high school, but somehow, I'm still not sure how much I want it, maybe this is the key, I put myself in a competitive enviroment, so I don't have a choice but to at least keep up with everyone, at least be as good. I might accidentally become a great scientist, by then, I would thank everyone who has pushed and challegned me, rock me to the core about my ignorance.

Brand new facilities, brillant minds, hard worker. It's hard to believe that in a diverse city like this, you can gather such an intelligent yet somehow homogenous group of people. Everyone has a strong academic background, stanford, berkeley, columbia, everyone has a lot of research experience, people may have diverse background, a lot more asians, chinese, indians, but under the different skin tone is always a great scientific mind. 12 to 13 hours work, 6 or 7 days a week, life is slaving away as such, yet everyone is enjoying it. In the temple of science, the monestary of truth, we are single minded monks whose life is dedicated to something mysterious and bigger than ourselves. I am conflicted about not have a outside life, or just throwing myself into the hot, hard, sweaty, monotonous life of being a scientist? Right now, I'm hiding in my little place playing on-line game addictively, refusing, in denial about making a choice, or the unavoidable path..Good night and good luck.

 

I hasn't been back home for 4 years, I no longer remember how my folks look like, how tall my brother is. Home, is a long lost memory, sweet and far away. I waited and waited, for the one day that I vacation trouble free, for the day that I don't have to choose between leave or stay, between fun or duty..hope is a like a flickering light in the wind. Today, I was told that there is no safe way, today I was told as I progress, as the game escalates, so are the stakes, today I was told I should weigh my decisions and maybe,just maybe wait longer, say another 3 years, 5  years...I felt the anger and sadness stirring inside me. It's not fair I want to shout, why can't I leave, I'm innocent, I'm intelligent, why can't I enjoy the best of two worlds guilt and trouble free, it's not fair. Yeah, it's not fair, but whose fault is it? Isn't it me who chose to come and stay, isn't it me who grow myself up here now I have to stay? Isn't it my fault  that young naive me signed the paper work to experience the america, experience the world. What were I to do, I have no regrets, just anger and sadness.

     An hour and half drive, from Davis to San Francisco, from farms flat like pancake, to a crowded Edwardian house on the top of a big hill, from sunny sunshine day in and day out, to overcast, or clouded if I'm lucky. From summer to fall, from a 16 years old who just enter a college to a 26 year old who just get out of school. 10 years, an hour and a half drive, my life just passes me by like that. Like a marble piece in the game of chinese checker, I jumped from cleveland,via Hawai'i and Davis, finally to SF, what now? Where to next.:)

     An old city with power lines hanging ridiculously low above the street,civil engineer would criticize about the safety issues, old wooden houses that are ridicoulsy expensive lining the somewhat dirty streets, young people who dress without a fashion sense, or who are cool to care about appearance walking on the sidewalk. Compare to Chicago, to my favorite cities that are clean, modern,  that are expensive looking, San Francisco looks like a shack. If Chicago represents the glamorous sexy goodlooking guy that I'm fatally attracted to, San Francisco is like a badly dressed geeky genius science friend who has a lot of potential and is full of surprises, but is never agressive or ambitious enough to become another Chicago.  But in the cool air, in the kindness of the locals, in variety of smartly decorated and chefed small restauraunts, I start to like it, I start to fall in love with it, I kept my eye wild open to observe the fleeting facial expression of all pedestrians, kept my ear open for all the small talks, music playing..If this is the place I choose to be for the next several years, if this is the place I'll call home for the next chapter of my life, I better better start to know and love him, and I am. SF, here I am... 

    

Settler of Catan is a board game I just learned how to play this spring. It's like a hybrid between "Risk" and "Monopoly", lots of dice rolling and strategizing, but in the end, when you win,it's always your own thinking,and when you lose, it seems to always be the dice's fault. Ever since I learned how to play it on-line, days and nights have been spent in front of my laptop, in front of the everchanging games of catan. I learned a lot, but always lose more than I win, but never stopped me from obessing with it. :), :(, bye for now, just one more game.

    Feeling tired and restless at the same time. night becomes day, and day becomes night, breakfast starts at lunch time. I'm living in a time and space that belongs to neither past nor future, or maybe both. Laying in the bed with my best friend from college, speak in chinese reminiscene about things happened when we were young. It's hard to believe that six years has passed, we were that innocent, and you start to question whether it is all just a dream or a TV show that I was watching, like the Korean romantic drama I've been watching for the past two days. When memory fails you, then everything all becomes unreal and dream like, doesn't it? Was I really that in love and that heart broken? Was I really that hard working for this worthless degree? Did I really drink that much and get that drunk? Can't remember, don't know, perhaps.

    I'm hiding in this time and space, with my best college friend, away from past, from future and from memories. I'm tired of hiding, but can't motivate myself to move.When tomorrow comes to my door step, would I be ready, for another journey for this comfortable space, and the comfortable company? Time will tell, but at least I have till the sunrise to play,and think.

Saying final goodbyes to people feel like dying and I don't like it.  Feel like i'm being peeled as an onion, it just hurts more and more the closer you get to the final stage, or you get to the people who are closest to your heart. it kept crossing my mind that this might be the last time I see many of them, 6 years is too strong a bond to simply cut off like that. I walked into the check-in counter for my one-way flight, tears dripping off my cheek and I can't stop. I rush into the counter because I can't stop or turn around, because thinking means hurting, sadness is overwhelming.  New life is exciting, but..it's people in the past that made you who you are...saying goodbye to them is like kill part of myself.

   3406 Bradford, an old house built in the 20s. The original windows are now malfunctioning, the bathrooms have seperated showering and bath unit, and there is a tunnel you can dump all your dirty clothes in, which will be collected in a basket in the basement, next to the old-fashion washer and drier. The garage is filled with tree branches,trash cans that wild animals make home with, so the cars are always parked outside.

   There is a cat named Duane living here. He is very muscular and temperamental. He lets you pet him one moment when he feels like it and bites you the next moment when he changes his mind. He used to be an outdoor cat; the notch in his ears tells the fights and trouble he got himself into in the past. So now he settles and retired in this three storied houses with lots of malfunctioned windows.

   Also lives in this house is a computer programmer who used to be a teen genius in the high school he graduated and a friend of mine. I moved into this house for a brief stay of 10days at the end of a long-struggling journey,now I'm having a hard time to leave. Because there is no smell that's better than friends cooking a healthy meal in the kitchen, no music more soothing than the laughter of a fun game party, and no time better spend than with friends and family. Bradford house, a transit stop that reminds me more of home, and now I have a hard time to leave. 

Reading the book "the color purple". It is definitely very interesting. There is woman part of the book, and then the black part of it. I think I like the woman part more. It reminds me of women I've known in the past, in the present, it makes me wonder which woman I am in the book. Am I cellie, am i sofia, am I nettie, am I shug? Interesting characters, interesting approach to a woman's life with all the pressure...

Staying with a couple friends, it is very relaxing. They have tons of books, games, a laidback life style, comfortable living. I want to be like them one day, I want to live comfortably, happily, with a man I love, and kids i make with him...so much for a fantasy.:)