A person who is truly strong, a warrior, is someone who is willing to face or confront his weakness, his darkness, his mortality, his circustances but not comprised to it.

 

It's always interesting to see contradictory traits in people, someone educated but naive, someone soft but not sweet, someone demanding but not oppressive, someone adventerious but not social...

 

 

在我的生活又简单到两点一线的日子里，我的思绪就有回到了纯真纯粹的学生时代，有会想起我当年高中一统考场的辉煌和压力，想起无所是从的大学。 昨日和同学聊起天来时，还说起，之前年少气盛，所有的决定不是父母包办的，就是一时兴起选择的，上北大，学生物，出国，我凭着“无知者无畏”的勇气和傻气，和冒险精神，侥幸走到现在。只是有时像一觉睡醒，wondering, how did I get here? 也许，走了这莫远，绕了这莫多路，一直都在找自己，学生物，学神经，一直到现在研究“行为神经学”，好像要找到一个解释，from someone, why do we behave the way we do? why emotion, why hurt? why so much pain? why life? When now I possess enough, and just enough science knowledge to explain. I know i might be bitchy because my hormone level is off, or maybe stress triggers a molecule release in my body..I know that pair bonding is the function of some neurons in your brain, that pass experience can modify your DNA, and your synapses, so you change the way you act or think. 我这样模模糊糊的解释着，这些模棱的解释create an image, if not illusion, of orderliness。但是也因此而造就了我不严谨的科学作风， I think more about the implication, what could this possibly means, less about what truly the data is. 那末现在，在我终于找回一些答案，学会manage, or at least trying to, manage my emotion, my problems，what now? 我有时会想，如果我出生在另外一个环境中，我是不是还会问一样的问题。

Went out with my boss for some new post-doc interviewee. Peru cuisine, lemon marinated fresh fish plus those gigantic white corns. Very very tasty. During the meal, with my inappropriate usage of the silverware, I splashed some juice the old black T-shirt I was wearing. Only now I learned to be not embrassed, I learned to remain compose, to not flush. 

I grew up as a blue collar, that's engrained in my upbringing I believe. The pleasure of eating was in the simple seasoning, but more so the freshness and the quantity. 大块吃肉，大碗喝酒。I'm often ashamed of how unsophistated I am, how little I appreciate the richness of life, or how basic my appreciation of life is. I loved watching "blue collar TV", I loved watching simple silly soap TV from hongkong, or spongebob. For the amount of education I had, I often find myself unbelievably simple and naive. I never quite sure how I made this far, or how I end up here. Maybe around the stove, bound with 2 kids, married to a truck driver should have been my life. Caught between a world that was and a world that should be, both past and reality drifting away from my memories. In the end, I was a wondering spirit that never truly belonged, never committed or involved. I wandered, cynically laughed at those who settled, committed, loved or lived, painstakingly searched for the true meaning of life, when there is none. Life is to live, to enjoy, to have fun, to appreciate every stranger, every sunrise, to worship.