Moving proved to be costly, physically,emotionally and fiscally. After several round of negotiation and bugging, $350 extra, I finally get most of my stuff delivered from the moving company within reasonable time. Now it's unpacking. The ceramic horse did not survive the long-distance shipping, broken into pieces, funny how it survived the whole trip from china to cleveland, and only broke off the tail, guess mom is definitely more careful a packer than i am. The DVD player, dvd and picture box is lost, damn the F#cking moving company, is it because that i refused to pay the last $75 "milking" overchange, so they deliberately kept that box? I was very sad and upset when I found out, some important photos, my precious nutcracker, are lost. All the futures are somewhat scratched here and there, but seem to be holding together all right, most of the glasswares surived, the little yellow dragon broke off part of the tail, and one side of the whisker

Moving, again, for god knows the what time this year, from my apartment to bradford house, to hawaii,to davis,to the guest house, then to the new apartment, finally, life is like the chinese checker, jumping along the way, briefly stopping at each port. Moving and getting married are suppose to be the two most stressful things in life. Everytime you move, you decompose your belongings, your life into numbered boxes, or plastic bags, and then resemble it, each time things get lost, things get deformed, things get distorted, each time your stir up so much shit, so much emotions, I got this item where with whom, I meant it for it to be what...it never ended up the way you planned, did it, your are further and further away from your intentions, aren't you, like the old chinese saying..the stuff remains the same, but the situation,the people are not...

   Got hit by some cold and holiday blues. With christmas music playing, everyone talking about vacations, seeing families, your spirit just get drained by minutes. Sometimes I think I should try to find some fake activities, you know, to kill the time, and anethesize the pain, then the stubborn part of me always wins, and refuses, refuses to cover the loneliness up, so in a way, I made this time of year harder for myself. Instead of celebrating, holidays are like memorial days, when I reminiscence about the tough time I've been through, how far I came, and then forecasting the even gloomier, more uncertain futures. , and yes you are damn right, it's quite depressing, and unlike any other days, when I can be depressed along with everyone else, during holiday season, only me, the anti-social, lonely foreigner get the special treatment. I don't bake chrimstams cookies, I don't decorate trees, I don't hand out gifts, neither do I play poker or majong, or cook dumblings. I sit there, brood over my loneliness, and get grumpier by minutes.  

   No, I'm lying, it's not all that bad, or bad at all. It's my dark dramatic writing styles that always exaggerate the bad part of it. I do have friends I can hang out with, a new city to explore, and experiments to do. But holidays are like magic mirrors that always magnify the softest and tenderest spot of my heart. Maybe it's just this year, so much has happened, and i had grown up so fast,it feels like I aged 10 years at the end of the year, feel like I'm ready to roll over and die. Maybe it's the good memory of mine that's causing the problem, I would often have memory to watching mickey mice on my parents 12 inch black white TV, studying hard in high school of my little home town,wondering on the street of beijing, shoveling snow in the driveway of cleveland, then wake up in my guest house in SF. Economists say that the living standard in china have improved by 100 years, several generations, in the past 20 years. Born at the beginning of that period, jumping from the small city of my poor province over a period of 10 year to the west coast of US, I feel like growing up 70 years. How do I relate to my friends nowadays that I used to bath once every two weeks in the winter in the community bath house, and that I go to the community restroom that has no flush, no water, and stinks like hell, at night, holding a flash light. I don't, I can't relate to them, and neither can they. I end up being this super wise yet innocent person who hate holidays.

   Merry Christmas! :)

      Haven't gotten on here for a while, what's preventing me, hard works, what else. Random thoughts pile up in my head, so it's time to let it out, release them to the world of random people and readership or not, time to clean up the limited storage space I had in the hard drive of my head. : ), went to a concert, a rock concert with friends last night. The killers, they are so so awesome, I like the sound, I liked their presentation, the stage design, how the lead singer commanded the stage, the audience..you truly feel like you are in the presence of true artist, such powerful voice. I was so intensely involved with my work, the planning of my work, I had a hard time to concentrate on the music before the killers' performance, my mind will just wonder off to random experiment planning, then the killers show up, such presence, such energy, i loved it, I actually stopped thinking about work..well..for a bit...Speaking of work, I realize that ultimately I'm working for myself, I just need to decide whether i really want the future I'm working for. Like my friend said, it's time to pick your spot in the society, how do you want to be known or introduced. I'm in a nerdy environment, best nerds on earth I believe, smart people, I like this community, but I'm not committed to it, I want to be in it, but I'm also so greedy that i also want to be something more, I want to know something more. I'm never good at prioritizing things, as for now, I still don't have to choose yet.

       Went to my boss' chritmas party tonight, it was fun, interesting. He and his life have a neat place, clean, posh, like an art gallery, but it feels liveless, cold to me, it's too neat, no big picture frames, fake art on the wall, no gigantic wedding pictures, misplacedkid's trophy...it doesn't feel like home. I believe they live a very sophiscated,pure life that's greater than a lot of people, yet somehow I long for the smell of deep fried chicken, the laughter or cry of kids, certain degree of clutterness, chaoticness, I want the richness, hence ordinarily of an ordinary life, I don't mind the smell of motor oil on my guy when he comes home...I want a big sqeeze for him...

       Yet, can I find a guy to build a messy nest with, am I ready to commit to this kind of life, do I really want it,would I know when i'm ready,  would I get it when I'm ready? Would my friends accept my choice, how about my parents? I know in my heart, that there are people that i like, there are people that I care about, there are people that i'm committed to keep in my life as hard as I can, but how close I'm not sure. I'm not sure whether i will ever be entirely sure.  For now, working hard is on the priority of the list.